Anyway, these past couple days I've been hearing a lot about March Moustache Madness. This is a worldwide challenge for all men (and in some cases, women) to grow out their moustache for the entire month of March. Why? I'm not sure.. but I have this suspicion that this crazed moustache madness stems from a modern day movement to bring back this facial hair style. Why is there this movement? Well.. here it goes folks... I'm just going to say it.
I just said it. And it's the truth. You see, the Moustache went out of style when real drums on songs did. I think that would be rounded out to 1985. The Moustache had its time and place... a pretty long stay in history I'd say. People really got fancy with them back in the 1800's and when the century turned the stash got redefined and modernized. But like all styles and trends, the moustache went out. And by now... 2008, I think it's safe to say the Moustache is totally dead and buried.
But for some strange and odd reason, people are still sporting this fuzzy facial feat. I mentioned it earlier, but there is this movement to bring it back. I think most of the people partaking part in it don't even know it. And March Moustache Madness is a perfect example of this pointless moustache movement. The moustache movement can be categorized into three major groups of moustached men. These groups are :
The Funny/Trendy Moustache : A lot of people think that Moustache's are funny. Teenagers and young adults are often the ones with the most awful looking moustaches. Most do it out of humor, and not the once intended style. These people are bastards. Often times these people can be branded with the label "Trendy". Perhaps they feel more intelligent having a dirt lip, but really they just look pretty silly. And you'll never see any girls around "trendy" guys with moustaches. NO way! I've met hundreds of girls who just puke all over the thought of a man with a moustache. Beards are another thing.. a whole different topic, but you also end up looking like a bear.
The MFM : This category is kinda related to the Funny/Trendy Moustache because an MFM is extremely hilarious, but it is also sad and pitiful. So they get their own group. Now what is an MFM you ask? Well, MFM stands for MY FIRST MOUSTACHE. The name is given to mostly high schoolers and other young lads who have just begun their first foray into the moustache world. MFM's usually don't have the full grown in stache that many older people can grow, and the result is a half assed piece of facial hair that looks scummy and disgusting. MFM's are an odd lot though, because either they are just so fucking lazy they can't take 3 minutes out of their day to shave it off, or they actually REALLY REALLY think that their sorry excuse for facial hair looks good. These people are also bastards. Because even when moustaches were in style MFM's were still considered douche bags. However I tend to give MFM's a little more slack because they usually don't really understand the concept of how bad they look.. they just don't have the mental capacity yet. Or they don't have a mirror in their house.
The Old Time / Classic Moustache : These guys are the torch bearers of the Moustache Movement. They just can't let their moustaches go! Some of my best friends fathers are part of this group. Mr. Rice and also Mr. Sawtelle have moustaches that are real and the main deal. Bushy, solid and well formed. If you ever were to have a moustache, it would be like theirs. However, it is impossible to obtain such great of a stach now. Like I said before... the Moustache is DEAD. You will never see a younger gentleman with the Old Time Classic Moustache, because they don't know how to grow it like they used to. These old timers can't let their moustache go because they know that they are walking and living history. They can't imagine their lives without their furry facial companions. Nobody, and I repeat NOBODY, has seen Mr. Rice and Mr. Sawtelle without their moustaches. This group took a hard blow when one of their famous poster boys, The Brawny Man, shaved his moustache. It was their final defeat. But these men will continue to keep their moustaches and wear them with pride. It is hard to be mad at these men, because when they had their moustaches during their younger days, it was the norm. You can only be amused and you can only learn from these moustaches, but never try to recreate their magic... because you can't. The Moustache is dead. And you'll only turn into the bastards I've mentioned prior!
Now, I know. I've been very harsh towards moustaches. BUT not without reason! You see, once I had a moustache. Yes, its true! I had a moustache! But the damage that it inflicted internally on my soul is unmatched by anything else. I will never ever grow a moustache again. Fuck you March Moustche Madness! Get the fuck out!
